Uncertainty and Abandonment

Within the past two months, hubs and I have had to figure out where we’re living starting in November and childcare for the toddler. Tot’s grandma was our primary childcare provider, but due to health issues, she can no longer continue in that role.

Thankfully, we do have an apartment lined up beginning in November, but having two very large unknowns happen at once really stressed me out.

I’m sure these two things would stress any working mother out, but for me, this uncertainty made my anxiety shoot nearly through the roof.

Apparently anxiety has always been a part of my life. This article on trauma, brain development, and anxiety mirrors countless other articles written over the past decade because researchers have concluded that those of us that have experienced trauma are more susceptible to anxiety. We are always wondering what’s next because we’ve experienced real fear and danger.

I spent hours alone in a crib in an orphanage.

I was sick and only had medical staff to hold me when they had a free moment.

I moved between two orphanages and a foster home before I turned 18 months old.

So, when I fear that I’ll be left alone, that I’ll be abandoned, that I’ll have no one or nothing, that really scares me.

That triggers the anxiety response.

I know I’m loved by my husband and he provides for us. I know I have a stable job. I know I’ll do everything I can to provide for my family. But the fear is real too.

Thankfully he knows that I need some time to myself when I get overwhelmed. Thankfully, he listens when I need to voice my fears. Together we work through my anxiety. And I know that because of my past, this will be a lifelong struggle.

I started out life with a lot of trauma. That will never go away. But I remember that love came into my life, and the love of people around me help get me through.